Sunday, November 06, 2005

Category 7: The End Of The World - Part 1

The fact that a movie as bad as this can actually be made it partially my fault… I watched it and I’ll end up watching part two even though this movie is HORRIBLE! I can’t help myself, it’s a disaster movie and like a roadside accident I can’t help looking! I think I have watched every made for TV disaster movie that has ever been broadcast even though I don’t think there has ever been a decent one made (Except for “The Day After “ made back in 1983… but then again I was only 12 years old at the time and judging by my taste of TV shows back then I could be wrong on that movie also). A bad made for TV disaster movie is the first time I recall seeing Jennifer Garner (Aftershock: Earthquake in New York) who then a couple years later went on to do two great seasons of Alias followed by three horrible seasons but like a disaster movie, I can’t stop watching…
Back to Category 7 … We’ve got Randy Quaid, Gina Gershon, James Brolin, Robert Wagner and Shannen Doherty (who, let me tell ya, does NOT look good in HighDef) rounding out the cast of stars… that should have been my first warning. The movie is so cliché - I think there must only be one script written for all these disaster movies and they just leave a blank space on the page to pencil in the disaster of the moment … tornado, hurricane, earthquake, volcano, etc… The down-and-out, play-by-my-own-rules guy who was ex-communicated by the mainstream and now runs a small time operation gets called back to the big-time by an ex-lover who now runs things and realizes that his wacky predictions that got him thrown out are now all being proved accurate. He grudgingly agrees to come back but only if he can bring his team of rogue and wacky sidekicks with him… Of course the disaster of the moment is the result of some evil capitalistic government and/or corporation who controls the media and public opinion and even though half the world has already been wiped out, nobody takes the threat of destruction seriously…

Now down to the specifics of this movie…

Tommy Tornado
  • Tommy Tornado - First they decide to bring Tommy Tornado (Randy Quaid) back from the dead (He was swept away by a tornado in the movie Category 6: Day of Destruction) We find out that even though he was carried up into the air over the Sears Tower, he somehow managed to survive by being dropped into Lake Michigan. When Tommy Tornado gets the call to come to the rescue we find him in traction in a hospital bed in a full body cast – “I’m gonna need a hacksaw” – 10 minutes later he’s waking around with nothing but a neck brace and a slight limp… a few minutes later the neck brace is off, he gives his neck a little crack and he’s back to normal…
    Full Body Cast > Neck Brace > "My Neck Itches"

    Shannen "Not Meant For HDTV" Doherty
  • Coyote Ugly - Shannen Doherty plays the “hot-n-sassy” rogue sidekick who, even though is a “rocket scientist”, we find pouring drinks in a bar to escape her past of being shunned by the weather predicting professionals. To be kind let’s just say that “made for TV” Shannon was not meant for HDTV… she has more lines on her face than Kate Moss’ mirror at a supermodel party. Now don't get me wrong, ever since her 90210 days I've always found her sassy attitude to be kind of a turn-on and she still pulls it off well but someone who was of legal age to appear in PlayBoy in the early 90's shouldn't be in front of the camera in 2005 without soft lighting and a bit of airbrushing...
    Sassy Sidekick

    "Are You Talking To Me?"
  • Gina Gershon - Almost ten years older than Shannen but looks ten times better in HD ...

    "Me So Horney"
  • Yellow Fever – Ms Gershon’s, “Friends with benefits” (actual movie dialogue), assistant seems to have no purpose other than the connections she’s made from sleeping around.

  • The Official Play-By-My-Own-Rules Office - You've seen this in almost every movie... the guywho is shunned by his peers refuses to give up and opens his own office that looks like a flea market gone bad.

Wahoooo - Go Manchester United!!!
  • We’ll always have Paris – Everyone in Paris is partying like it’s Mardi Gras, oblivious to the high winds, tornados and lightning striking around them … and I've been to Paris and have seen the lines to get up the Eiffel Tower and let me tell ya, soccer hooligan or not, there's no way anyone can run right up to it and start climbing around like it's some playground JungleJim... and let me get this strait, the officials in the meeting don’t notice the city being destroyed around them until they get a phone call telling them to” look out the window”?
    Looks like rain... what do you think?

    "Oooo, tiny marshmallows"
  • Ranger Smith Duo – What’s with the park rangers sipping coffee during a storm on Washington’s head? They are right on top of George's head and it's not until his cup of coffee does the "Jurassic Ripple" that he notices that there's something wrong ...
  • The Public Affair – Los Angeles, Chicago and Paris have been completely destroyed but the real story of the hour is the personal relationship between Judith and Ross which makes all the news repots and is seen by their families who all immediately assume they are having an affair and start treating them like the black plague….

    Take notes if you want to know how to dress for success
  • Asshole Rich Kid – Popping the collar on pink and powder blue Lacoste shirts - deffinately a rich asshole...

    "They don't build 'em like they used to..."
  • Pyramids - For some reason the city of Cairo has been replaced by a few "Egyptians" camping outside in tents when this really strong breeze comes by and blows over the Great Pyramid and the Sphinx... yup, thats right - blown 'em right over.

    "Ok, Bill and Helen told me we have to get right under the storm!"
  • Familiar - So as you can see this is a pretty bad storm so it's time to send in the experts... in a truck, to chase the store, and send some data collecting devices right up into the storm... hey, this is sounding kinda familiar...

"Hello Buffalo!"
  • Fire & Brimstone - You can't have an end of the world movie without the religious wackos taking advatage of the situation... Storms have completely destroyed Los Angelas, Chicago Paris and knocked over the Pyramids but this preacher thinks it would be a good idea to have a revival service right smack in the middle of the next storm and nobody really objects... so he goes up on stage for a sound check and is struck by lightning resulting in his wife making the ugliest face I've ever seen:
    "She chose poorly..."


  1. Ha....Gina is 10 yrs older and looks 10x better in HD! Best line, ever! Love me all things Gina!

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